


Hope

by Kriegsandharris



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-17
Updated: 2016-06-17
Packaged: 2018-07-15 13:32:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7224349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kriegsandharris/pseuds/Kriegsandharris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashlyn, Ali, the Pride and the Spirit react to the tragedy in Orlando.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hope

_Worry (verb): to_ _give way to anxiety or unease; allow one's mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles._

Ali Krieger had always worried as she went through her journey of accepting her sexuality. It had been a long, hard journey filled with hurt and anger and fear. But mostly just worry.

In college, it was worrying what her friends would think the day after she drunkenly made out with a girl out a party. It was worrying that they would start talking about her behind her back.

After that, it was worrying that she wasn’t straight. It was worrying that she would end up alone all because she didn’t have the guts to admit to herself that the possibility of falling in love with a girl was real.

After graduation, it was worrying about accidentally coming out to Liz. It was worrying that Liz would notice her flinch every time she asked Ali if she liked anyone.

Once she was on the national team, it was worrying that one of her teammates would think that she liked Ashlyn Harris for more than a friend. That someone would call her out on it.

It was worrying if _she_ liked Ashlyn for more than a friend. It was worrying that her initially worries about missing out on her soulmate were coming true.

After her first kiss with Ashlyn, then it was worrying about coming out. That Ashlyn would be offended if she didn’t get it done immediately. Of course, Ashlyn was sweet and kind and more than considerate in those days. She would sit with Ali with her arm wrapped around her shoulder for hours and they would talk about anything and everything, and Ashlyn would gently and slowly give Ali the encouragement she needed to tell people.

It was Heather first. Ali worried as her teammate opened her hotel room door at 3 in the morning. Ali was worried that Heather would freak out as soon as she caught sight of her tear-stained cheeks. Ali worried as she noticed a sleeping teammate across the room, and she worried even more as Heather put her finger to her lips and quietly opened the bathroom door.

She worried as they settled into the tub, Heather on one end and Ali on the other, their feet meeting in the middle. Her heart pounded as the words left her mouth, and her worrying only escalated as she intently watched Heather’s face, searching for a reaction.

But as soon as Heather smiled and reached forward to tightly hug Ali, Ali discovered a new feeling—hope. As time went on, Ali discovered hope was much stronger than worry.

Hope was the feeling when she first held Ashlyn’s hand in public, and she caught sight of a young girl smiling at the two of them from across the street. It was when she felt like she had become part of this great big community that stretched farther than she could imagine.

Hope was when she first told her brother about Ashlyn, and he grinned so hard that his cheeks turned pink. “I’m proud of you,” he had whispered in her ear, holding her tightly.

Hope was when she saw a pride flag hung at one of her games, fittingly right behind the goal that Ashlyn occupied. Hope was when she saw Ashlyn sign the flag and then hug the young girl that stood behind it after the game.

Hope was when Ashlyn brought Ali to her first pride parade along with Lori Lindsey. The two of them had gone the year before, but Ali didn’t feel well— _or faked illness to avoid going because she was too afraid of being seen but didn’t want to hurt Ashlyn’s feelings._ One or the other. Hope was when they got home and Ashlyn posted a picture on facebook, the three of them squished together, rainbow beads strewn around their necks. It was captioned “Proud” and Ali was the first one to like it.

Hope was when Marriage Equality became law during the World Cup. Hope was when Ali’s timeline was filled with tweets and posts from her family, friends, and teammates celebrating the news. Hope was Sydney jumping on Ali’s bed to wake her up that morning, screaming incohesive words at Ali before running off to find Ashlyn.

So it is rare these days that Ali feels worry with so much hope in the world. So when Ashlyn texts “ _Call me when you get a chance_ ” Sunday morning, Ali feels worry. Ashlyn never texts so plainly, let alone so early.

Ali immediately facetime calls Ashlyn. It rings five time before it says “connecting”, and Ali curses under her breath as she waits to see Ashlyn’s face pop up on the screen.

Ashlyn has been crying. Ali can instinctively tell from her shiny, red, swollen cheeks and dark eyes. “Hi baby,” she says quietly, sniffling before reaching for a tissue that is off the screen. Ali’s mind runs in a million different directions. Ashlyn was safe in the house that they had bought in Orlando four months ago. Ali can see that Ashlyn is in one piece, as her legs stretch across the screen as she reaches for a tissue. What else could it have been?

“Ashlyn, sweetheart, are you okay? What happened?”

And then the floodgates open. Ashlyn ugly cries for what seems like the first time in a long time. She buries her face in her hands and rocks back and forth on the white sheets they had agreed on in IKEA.  Ali’s heart races as she quietly coos at Ashlyn through the screen, wishing that she could hold the blonde in her arms, whispering sweet nothings to her until she was safe in a state of sleep. But Ali is stuck in D.C. while her love is all the way down the coast.

The first time Ali saw Ashlyn cry was when Ashlyn barely didn’t make the roster for the 2011 World Cup. “This is stupid,” Ashlyn had said through her tears. “There are people dying, and struggling to live, and I’m crying because I don’t get to go play a game for a few weeks.” But Ali knew how hard Ashlyn had worked, and she could take a guess at how bad it must have felt for it to all come down to nothing. She held Ashlyn tight that night, and vowed that the next World Cup they would be going _together_.

Ali snaps back to reality when she hears Ashlyn shift on the bed. “Did you see the news this morning, Al?” Ashlyn says it quietly, with almost a sort of reverence in her voice. Ali’s heart nearly stops beating as replies to Ashlyn.

“No.”

Ashlyn puffs out her cheeks and exhales, willing the tears to stop falling. “At least 20 people died at Pulse last night. Murdered, I mean. They expect the number to rise.” She says it quickly, ripping the words out of her mouth like a bandaid.

Ali’s head spins. Her and Ashlyn had just gone there with Kyle the month before when they were all in Orlando together. It was a small place, yet it so full of love and kindness and acceptance. Even though Ali and Kyle had never been, it felt like home. The people surrounding them that night felt like family. The people in those four walls wordlessly bonded over what they held in common, and it provided a ray of light in what could sometimes feel like a dark and somber world for the LGBTQ community.

Ali thinks about the giant white lights that hung above where she and Ashlyn watched Kyle make a fool of himself on the dance floor. She thinks about the two young girls she had met, fresh out of high school who had told her that they felt relieved to find a place where they could feel like themselves. She thinks about the owner, who had wrapped her arm around Ashlyn telling her to bring along the whole team next time they were in town.

“Oh my god…”

Ashlyn bites her lip, over and over again, really trying to comprehend how this act of terror was going to affect her tight-knit community. Orlando is home, and home is where you are supposed to feel safe, she thinks. How can she ever feel safe in a place where she just as easily could have been one of the dead listed on the morning news?

Ali sees the emotionless look on Ashlyn’s face, and her heart breaks. “They can’t kill all of us,” Ali says quietly, immediately realizing where Ashlyn’s mind is going. Ashlyn nods her head as an errant breath hitches out of her. She closes her eyes and breathes before opening them once more to look at her girlfriend through the screen.

—

On Thursday, Ashlyn finds herself back in D.C. with Ali in their old apartment. The team’s flight had gotten in around 6, and Tom told them they were free to spend the night as they liked as long as there was no drinking. Ali took Ashlyn home from the airport after the entire Spirit squad had gone as a team to greet the Pride. Along with fans, they held up signs and posters saying “We Stand With Orlando” and were decked out in the rainbow flag, which had suddenly become much more than a symbol of pride through the week. As Ashlyn’s team exited the terminal and initially saw the posters and flags, the crowd became silent as they watched tears fall from the eyes of the visiting team. As much as the shooting hurt around the country, it was especially painful for the women that lived and played in the heart of that community.

“Hi baby,” Ali had said as she wrapped Ashlyn in her arms. Ashlyn nuzzled her face into the brunettes neck before gently prying herself away. Ashlyn had quickly and quietly waved and smiled at the fans, her emotions getting the best of her before she told Ali she was ready to go.

“That was a lot,” Ashlyn says on the couch in the living room later that night. “It really meant a lot, though. We’ve never had a greeting like that anywhere where we’re traveling.”

Ali nods as she hands Ashlyn a mug of coffee before slipping onto the couch in front of her. Ashlyn mindlessly plays with Ali’s hair and sips from her mug.

“I’m worried,” Ali says after awhile.

“About what?”

“Everything. It’s just like, as soon as things seem to be getting better, shit like this happens, you know?” Ashlyn sighs and sweetly kisses the top of Ali’s head before putting her mug down.

“I’m worried too, Al. I’m worried too.”

—

On Saturday, as the two teams walk out of tunnel, the American flag is raised to half-staff in the stadium with a smaller pride flag underneath it. As requested on social media, spirit fans are either dressed in the Pride’s light-blue and purple colors, or in rainbow-pride gear. Ashlyn tears up as she looks out into the crowd, the national anthem blaring in the background. It is amazing how sports can bring people from all over together, she thinks. Even almost a week later, her emotions are still raw, and it takes everything she has in her to keep from crying as the starting-line ups are announced.

But this time, the tears pooling in her eyes are tears of hope.

Before the teams separate for the coin toss and starting lineup pictures, the announcer calls for a moment of silence. The two sides walk around the center circle, evenly spaced out as the stadium becomes eerily silent. The announcer goes through the list of the 49 people who had lost their lives in Orlando the previous Sunday. The mood is sad and somber, and Ashlyn shifts her weight between her feets as she intently listens to the names being called.

Alex taps Ashlyn’s shoulder, and motions for her to switch positions with her. Ashlyn is confused for a second, before she hears a familiar gasp.

Ashlyn quickly switches with Alex, and grabs on to Ali’s hand. Ali is crying, and Ashlyn can see other players are too as she looks around the circle. All Ashlyn does is squeeze Ali’s hand a little tighter as she looks down at the turf, thinking about how weird this game is about to feel with the somber tone overshadowing the normal fun of football.

—

The Pride win 2-1. Crystal scored an amazing shot from outside the box in the seventh minute, but Kaylyn Kyle came up with the equalizer in the 33rd, while Alex secured a win in the 88th. After the game, there are tears and hugs and laughs as the two sides come together in one huddle near midfield.

Ali steps forward to speak. “As disappointing as this loss is, you all really deserved it. That was a well fought game, and I know that so much has been going on for you back home. As a friend to many of you, I’d really like to say that I’m proud of how you reacted to this, especially as a new team. It really was a pleasure to host you tonight.” Ali bites her lip as she retreats back between Jo Lohman and Alex.

Everyone expects Alex to speak next as Orlando’s team captain, but she simply nods across the circle to Ashlyn, who seems a bit lost.

“Oh, um, I didn’t realize that Alex got to wear the band and make me do all the hard work while she sits back and looks pretty.” Everyone in the group chuckles at the keeper before she steps forward. She is well loved by everyone on both of the teams, and there is a respectful silence as she searches for words to say. “Thank you,” she starts as she twists her fingers together, “thank you for making this place feel like home to us. Home is so chaotic right now, and what happened has hit a lot of us—sorry— it’s, um, hit us really hard. Sorry,” she says, wiping a stray tear from her eye. She laughs nervously. “I still get really emotional thinking about it.” She looks up just in time to meet Ali’s gaze, and Ali and Alex immediately split apart, making room for Ashlyn to join in between them. Ashlyn slips in, and they lock their arms around her. Between two of her greatest friends, Ashlyn finds the courage to continue.

“I think there is so much worry, and fear in our world right now. But we can’t let that defeat us. We have to keep playing. We have to keep speaking out. I for one am not going to let my brothers and sisters keep getting killed. And in order to do that, we have to keep being our true, authentic selves. We have to support one another, we have to build each other up. I know that we’re all from different countries, and different teams, but the league is such a tight knit community and I know that there are going to be a good handful of people on every single team really badly affected by this. So we need to keep pressing forward, we can’t let worry and fear destroy us.” Ashlyn pauses, and looks at Ali. Her Ali.

“Hope,” Ashlyn says to the group before returning her gaze to Ali, “is always stronger than worry.”

—

Throughout the following weeks Ashlyn is shocked by the outpouring of love coming from all corners of the country. There are already bills being written to reform gun control in Florida, and Obama is pushing for changes at the federal level. There have been countless tweets and facebook posts and instagram photos in support of Orlando, and Ashlyn is silently reminded about how much her community cares every morning when she passes the hundreds of flowers and pride flags strewn down the busy streets of downtown Orlando.

Ali calls Ashlyn early one morning, just as Ashlyn is sitting down with her cup of coffee. “Morning honey,” she says, flinching as the overly-hot coffee hits her tongue. “What’s up?”

“Dad called me and Kyle last night.”

“Okay…”

“He wanted to know how we were doing with everything going on.”

“Oh.” Ashlyn smiles. While Ken had always been respectful of Ali and Kyle and even Ashlyn, he was never 100% supportive of his kid’s sexualities. Reaching out to them in the midst of the chaos that their community was enduring was huge.

On the other end of the line, Ali smiles too. “He really meant it, Ash. I think he finally realizes how difficult it is for us. I think he finally understands that this isn’t something we just chose for ourselves one day”

Later that day, a notification goes off on Ashlyn’s phone. She is out with Alex in a tiny cafe near the Orlando offices, and Alex looks on with curiosity as Ashlyn beams down at the screen. “What is it, Ash?”

Ash flips her phone around to show Alex. Instagram is open, and Ali’s page is pulled up. It is a picture of Ashlyn and Ali at pride, walking hand in hand down a street that is covered in rainbow flags. The caption?

_Today and forever, I choose hope. pc: @lorilindsey6_

**Author's Note:**

> I know this week has been really rough for all of us, myself included, so I took this as an opportunity to write this little one-shot to pour my thoughts out. 
> 
> If you ever feel alone, please know that there is an entire community of people who love and care about you spread throughout this country and the world. As hard as it is to believe sometimes, we have to keep reminding ourselves that things will get better.
> 
> You can also contact The Trevor Project: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now and
> 
> The LGBTQ Center of Orlando is also offering counseling, which can be reached at 407-228-1446, or text your zip code to 898-211 to connect.
> 
> Much love xx


End file.
